Musings from a coach #5

Have you ever wondered why your partner behaves the way they do why a colleague reacts defensively to feedback, or why you procrastinate even when a deadline is looming? Human behaviour is complex, and while we often focus on what we can see e.g. actions, words, and choices, often the drivers of behaviour lie deep beneath the surface.

One of the most powerful frameworks to explore this concept is the iceberg metaphor. Just as only a small portion of an iceberg is visible above the waterline, the majority of what shapes behaviour remains hidden from plain sight. Let’s take a deeper dive into what’s below the surface.

At its core, the iceberg metaphor illustrates how much of our behaviour is influenced by unseen forces. Above the waterline, you’ll find visible behaviour – the things we do and say.

Below the surface lie thoughts, feelings, beliefs, values, needs, assumptions, and past experiences. These are the subconscious and often unexamined drivers of our actions.

This is the part we can observe and experience. For example, how someone acts, what they say, their tone of voice, the choices they make.

Examples:

• A team member avoids eye contact in meetings.
• A friend frequently cancels plans.
• You hit the snooze button instead of going to the gym.

While these actions are clear and measurable, they don’t tell us why they’re happening. For that, we need to look below the surface.

Behaviour is often a reaction to emotions and internal narratives.

• Avoiding eye contact? Could be due to anxiety or fear of judgment.
• Cancelling plans? Possibly linked to social overwhelm or low energy.
• Skipping the gym? Maybe you’re feeling defeated or uninspired.

These are immediate drivers that a person may feel or thinks in the moment. They can influences their outward behaviour.

Go a bit further, and you’ll uncover core beliefs, values, and unmet needs. These are deeply ingrained, often formed in early life or shaped by culture and experiences.

Examples:

• Someone raised to believe “asking for help is weakness” may avoid collaboration.
• A person who values freedom above all might resist rigid schedules.
• An unmet need for safety could lead to controlling behaviour in relationships.

Understanding this layer allows us to reframe our perspective: we stop asking “What’s wrong with this person?” and start asking “What’s driving this behaviour?”

At the base of the iceberg are a person’s sense of identity and life history. This layer includes trauma, cultural background, upbringing, and personal narratives. These form the bedrock of how we see ourselves and the world.

• A child who grew up in an unpredictable household might become a hyper-vigilant adult.
• A history of rejection might cause someone to become overly agreeable to avoid conflict.
• Someone who identifies strongly as a “helper” might neglect their own needs.

These deep drivers aren’t easily visible but they explain a lot.

Understanding the iceberg metaphor has powerful implications:

• For leaders: It fosters empathy and encourages looking beyond surface behaviours.
• For teams: It helps create psychological safety and better communication.
• For individuals: It opens the door to self-awareness and change.

Instead of reacting to behaviour, we can learn to respond to the needs behind it.

Next time someone acts in a puzzling or frustrating way, pause and ask yourself: What might be below the surface? The more we understand about what drives behaviour, the more compassionate, effective, and insightful we become – in our relationships, our leadership, and our personal growth.

Because, like an iceberg, what’s lies beneath the surface is far more important than what’s above.